My First Date

Excuse me while I dust off my keyboard...


Okay. Better.


It's been a really long time since I've blogged. I've wanted to write posts so many times throughout the past two years but life just got busy... and one must prioritize internet time when one is busy. I only have 3 spots available for internet usage in my life. Blogging, unfortunately, took the #4 position:
1. Pinterest
2. Facebook
3. Instagram
4. Blogging


I've decided it's time to be funny again. Perhaps this will be the only post in 2014--- I hope not but let's not get ahead of ourselves...


I think a good story to get back into the swing of things would be "My First Date". So without further ado...

Let's take a trip back to 1995. It was chilly outside. It was November if I remember correctly. I was fifteen years old. Tall, thin, and lanky with just a hint of awkward. I had gold-rimmed glasses that were entirely too large for my face. And braces. Fifteen did not look that good on me. Picture a blonde Olive Oyl...

Anyway, I had a crush on an older boy in my school- Ryan. I think it's safe to say that 99% of the girls who were at my school back then thought Ryan was "like, totally cute" and had a crush on him at one point or another. (The other 1% would have been his sister.) He was fun and funny and well-liked- so imagine my surprise when he asked me if I wanted to go out to lunch with him and his brother, Joel and his girlfriend, Christine.

*Fun fact: Joel and Christine are married now with 5 gorgeous children!

Do you know the sheer terror and nervousness that goes along with excitement when you are a teenage girl who's been asked out by an older, popular crush?

So after several distracted days and nights of replaying how the entire event would go in my mind over and over and over- I was ready. It was going to be perfect. I would look adorable. The date would be fun. I would be charming and witty.  It would be the best day of my entire life!

Oh Lauren, you sweet little delusional teen.

Pizza Hut was the destination for lunch.

I like pizza. Excellent.

I remember not saying much on the drive there. I was nervous. My hands were clammy. We get there and are seated. I sat beside Christine, across from Ryan.

Good. We can gaze into each others eyes. Wait, am I staring too much? When is the last time I blinked? Blink Lauren, BLINK.

Okay, maybe he'll order a drink with two straws that we can share. Here comes the waitress... she's asking what I want to drink. He's not ordering us a drink to share so answer her Lauren, ANSWER, and blink for crying out loud... 

The inner monologue was not helping my situation. So I quickly told myself to shut up and order a drink. BEFORE I GO ON, you must know something about me- I love water. I rarely, if EVER, order something besides water. I drink water pretty much all the time. So, for what ever reason I tell the waitress...

ROOT BEER. LARGE.

This was my first mistake.

We order our pizza and the waitress leaves to go get our beverages. As we waited, the juke box starts playing random songs as it did back in the good ole days. We no sooner get our drinks, me with my LARGE ROOT BEER, and a song comes on... "Can You Feel The Love Tonight?" by Elton John. Now, anyone who is older than 25 should know how popular The Lion King was back then and how great that song was from the movie. Well, my daydreaming, overly nervous, teenage-self took this as a sign from God.

Why else would this song be playing at this exact moment in time? We are meant to be together! Oh my goodness! And caaaan you feel the loooove tonight? {tonighttt} 

You know you're singing it.

And of course the guys make some comment about the song (or probably were singing it) when it started to play and that was about all it took- I animatedly tried to partake in the conversation but instead knocked my entire large root beer all over everything. and everyone.

Umm, waitress? Check please.

Next stop on the date course- the park.
 

Okay, good. Open spaces, no liquid in cups of any kind... This will be fun. Nothing bad can happen here.

So we go to this little park full of beautiful trees and gazebos. It was November so any leaves that were left were red or orange. It was still lovely. We kind of paired off and walked around. I became more relaxed at this point since I didn't figure I could be any more embarrassed than I already was at lunch.

This was my second mistake.

We were walking around, seeing who could identify the most types of trees. It really was nice- wholesome, innocent fun. I don't know what came over me that I thought perhaps now would be a good time to be athletic. 


I'll race him over to that gazebo. I'll be running and he'll be running and I'll leap into his arms and he'll swing me around and it will be magical.


I took off running and leaped up into a gazebo, ran right through it to the other side where I tripped and flew right out the other side...


 into a pile of mud. 


I just lay there.

Joel and Christine were probably like-

(You like that Lion King reference there?)


Well, that was the icing on my gigantic root beer flavored cake. I was mortified. Of course, he helped me up. We laughed about it- even though I didn't find it the least bit funny at the time. It was probably an absolute riot to see in person. Anyway, I brushed myself off and finished our date as humbly as humanly possible. We made a few more stops after that and it ended up being a lovely first date. I have fond memories (clearly) and can't listen to that Elton John song without smiling...




I should have braced myself for the future. Apparently I have some sort of genetic problem where I become klutzy in any sort of  dating scenario. This was the first of many weird, embarrassing events that happened to me on dates. I'll save that for another post though.


I miss those innocent days. I miss hearing stories like that. Things are so different now- and not in a good way. I pray that my boys have plenty of funny, good, clean stories to share. I hope they meet some nice, naïve, clumsy girls to take to look at trees. Those are ok dreams to have for your children, isn't it?!

Until next time...

Root beer & Mud,

Lauren  

For Amy...

As a parent of a special needs child, there are many things you never get to experience. Many, many, many things... One of those things is having a baby book. I have 2 baby books upstairs: Hunter's is full. Dylan's is empty. Not that Dylan hasn't accomplished so many wonderful things! It's just that by our society's standards- he hasn't met very many typical "milestones" and to keep opening that book- waiting and waiting to record something... anything... just became discouraging. As time went on I realized I didn't need that book. I had something way better. I looked around at our lives and saw the tiny group of people that had been brought into our family by Dylan's life- doctors, teachers, and therapists- and it dawned on me...

They are my 'Living Baby Book'.

Landon and I are so blessed to have these people in Dylan's life- in our lives. They have been through it all with us- the pain, the struggles, the absolute joy, and the triumphs. Each of them has special stories about Dylan and will be able to share them with him (and with us) when he gets older. They have all made a huge impact on our lives and I'm thankful for each and every one of them (you know who you are!).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This week has been unbearably painful for me. I lost a member of Dylan's Living Baby Book. Amy passed away on Sunday night. She was Dylan's physical therapist. She started treating Dylan when he was 8 months old. I liked her the second I met her. She was a cowgirl at heart, tall, thin as a rail, and tough as all get out. Her truck broke down the very first session she had here- which if anyone reading this knows Amy- will laugh so hard. It didn't matter what vehicle Amy was driving- it always broke down. It didn't take very long at all for Amy and I to become good friends. Dylan would fall asleep on her halfway through his "workout" and we'd always say it's because he'd mistake her bony lap for mine. And we'd sit and chat about this and that whilst trying to wake up the "turkey". When Dylan started with her- he couldn't even hold up his upper body. He had no strength. All he could do it lay on his back. By 3 years old, he was running. There were times I didn't know if I'd ever see Dylan run. I had a Dr. tell me once- "Don't expect an athlete." Amy had some words for that guy. I never once heard her mutter a negative word about Dyl and his abilities. She knew he could do it all and then some. She knew all I needed to hear was- "Well, we'll prove him wrong now won't we??" Dylan would surprise her all the time- Dylan actually learned to jump before he could walk. Amy said she'd never seen anything like it before in all her years. That's Dyl for you...

I could write pages and pages of things about our years with Amy. She loved coffee and B12 vitamins. She loved jalapeno-cheese filled pretzels. She loved her horses. She was incredibly passionate about her work- she was a phenomenal physical therapist and cared so much about those she treated. She loved her Dad and Mom. And most of all- she loved her own children. They were her absolute pride and joy. I don't know a mom who worked harder than she did. Her kids were her life. She was, to say the least, an amazing, amazing mother...

Amy was an important part of my life- an important part of MANY people's life. I am devastated she isn't here. I want her to be here. I want my phone to ring and it be her or my door to fly open and have her come in and eat donuts with me. I want her to come and pick Dyl up and swing him around and call him "turkey" or "duderruder".

As hard as this has been, I know she won't ever be gone. She'll live on through her children, her family, her friends, and all the many children's lives she made a difference in- like Dylan's. Even though she's not with us- she'll still be a part of Dylan's 'Living Baby Book'. 

She really was one of a kind and I miss her so very much.

Love you Aim.

The Completely Magical and Delusional World of Barbie!

Hello. My name is Lauren. I'm 29 years old. And I still play with Barbies.

I have always loved Barbie Dolls. I still have mine from when I was little. They were just so much fun! Their clothes, shoes, homes, cars, hair, accessories, EVERYTHING was awesome. I still remember hoping and praying I would get Peaches n' Cream Barbie...

I never did....(a lone tear rolls down my cheek)

But I digress! My best friend Shannon and I would get all the Barbie stuff out. We go back and forth choosing our pick of Barbies, Kens, then clothes, accessories, then housing stuff. Then we'd organize everything, set up our own separate houses, then dress the dolls, do their hair, and so on. By the time we did all that, 2 hours had passed and we gave up on any sort of role playing with them. But that was okay with us- We loved them.

I've officially lost all the males who follow my blog. Sorry dudes.

Then the 90's came and once the Spice Girls showed up promoting GIRL POWER! then all of a sudden Barbie needed a makeover. Apparently this tiny little plastic doll was causing every girl in America to have a bad image complex about themselves. Barbie needed to get serious about life. She needs to have a bigger stomach, smaller chest, wider hips, and a darn good career.

Give her 10 lbs of baby weight, 3 kids, dark circles under her eyes, and a mortgage payment. That will give little girls a more accurate idea of real life.

I call horse apples on all of it. Why does everyone make such a big deal out of everything? At the end of a day it's still a doll! If your child is that confused, self-conscious, and worried about how they look then clearly there is a bigger issue at hand then BARBIE.

I'm getting off track again... So anyway, last year my friend Michelle and I went shopping for a gift for one of Hunter's little girl friends. We went through the Barbie aisle and noticed that they came out with a line called "I Can Be.... Barbie". We laughed so hard... If we are going to be picky about giving little girls a REALISTIC view of what they can be or do in life- then perhaps you should edit Barbies career choices. Let's take a look at Barbie and her line of "I Can Be..." careers...

I can be... Swim Teacher: Absolutely you can be! There is an incredible demand for swim teachers. You'll never go wrong with a career in swimming. The best part is, you don't even need to finish high school! You'll never make enough money to support yourself but the good news is that most pools have a shower area. At least you'll be shiny and clean for your students.

I can be... Pet Vet: In every 'Barbie I can be... Pet Vet' box you get the most adorable little puppy or kitten to take care of and love. It's awesome taking care of sick animals. They are so tiny and cute and cuddly! I never have to deal with any animals that could bite or harm me. I just love being a Pet Vet! And the reason I say 'Pet Vet' is because I don't know how to spell Veterinarian. 

I can be... Baby Doctor: Yeah, okay. Ken's not going to support you through 7 years of medical school.

I can be... Computer Engineer: Perhaps a better career for you would be "I can be... Married to a Computer Engineer"

I can be... Race Car Driver: Hi, I'm Barbie and I drive a race car! It's pink and I've installed an additional 7 internal mirrors so I can check to make sure my lipstick is the perfect shade of pink! I don't know why everyone drives so fast on this road. SLOW DOWN PEOPLE! And is it just me or does it feel like all we're doing is driving around in circles??

I can be... Wedding Stylist: Actually, I think this is a fairly attainable career for Barbie.

I can be... News Anchor: I don't know how seriously I could take world news updates from Barbie... Reporting to you live from Libya, giving us the latest news on the capture and killing of Muammar Gaddafi is our lead News Anchor- Barbie.
"Good Evening everyone. I'm Barbie. We're here to bring you the latest on Muammar Gaddafi. Wait, wasn't that the bad guy from Aladdin??"

I can be... Bus Driver: This has to be the MOST PRACTICAL career they have in the line! Seriously. And you know what, Bus Driver Barbie is the one that always left on the shelf. Sad.

It's great that they have this "I can be..." line out- but I don't always agree with the creed- You can be anything you want to be as long as you put your mind to it! That is so not true in most cases! (No Hunter, you are not going to grow up and be Mario someday. I don't care what Luigi says.) I don't think you can ever go wrong with supporting your kids wholeheartedly and realistically encouraging them to pursue the things they are passionate about. And by doing this you end up giving them a sense of security that allows them to avoid being consumed by what society has done to body image and self worth. Then your kids can just be KIDS! Play with toys! Dress up! Make believe! Be outside enjoying everything that goes along with being a child!

I'm glad though that they've made Barbie look a bit more educated and put her in such diverse rolls. There are so many horrible role models and little girls never get a chance to be little girls anymore! Why is everyone in such a hurry to grow up? There are days I wish I had a daughter and I could take her in and let her pick out all the Barbies she wanted. Which brings me to my own Christmas Wish List for this season...

The Barbie Loves Elvis Doll.

I really want her.

Seriously.

Was that an earthquake? No, my stomach just growled.

So this past Wednesday the east coast experienced an earthquake. Yes, it was crazy weird. Yes, we all felt it. But was it a big deal? No, not really. I'm sure people in California want to smack the crap out of all of us for going on and on and on about it.

 A 5.9??? We sleep through 5.9's. And why, pray tell, are the rest of you states freaking out? We've burped bigger disturbances than what you just experienced.

Ha! But seriously, it was cool though. I am actually mad at myself for not being more aware of my surroundings that day. Let me tell you my earthquake experience:

Dylan was taking a nap. So Hunter and I decided to take all our art stuff outside on the back deck and color, paint, etc. It was so beautiful out. The sun was shining, the sky was deep blue, there was a lovely warm breeze... We had been coloring for about an hour and I looked at the paints and thought- I should try and make a tie-dye painting.

**Sidenote- I have a slight obsession with tie-dye. I just have always loved it. It's totally rad, like, for sure.**

So I'm all excited about this painting and it's actually turning out REALLY AWESOME. So Hunter is assisting when all of a sudden we hear this strange rumbling noise (very muted, muffled). It did vibrate the house. Hunter stops and says- "Mom, is our house haunted??". To which I reply- "Of course not Hunter, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS!!"

**Sidenote- Ghosts really scare me.**

Then I told him it was just construction or heavy equipment of some sort. As soon I said that though I thought- You know, I honestly don't know what that noise was...

Within 5 minutes my phone started ringing off the hook. First, my brother Stevie- who filled me in on the entire situation. My Dad lives in Virginia so we were wondering if he was alright. Then Landon called. Then my cousin Sarah. In between all this I was trying to get ahold of my Dad but couldn't- all circuits were down. Then my mom. Then Landon again. Then my Dad finally got through. I texted my Aunt Susan. Then Landon one last time.

And then facebook.... oh sweet, ridiculous facebook. That place BLEW UP with earthquake posts.

And all of these people: Steve, Dad, Landon, Mom, Aunt Susan, Facebook- had awesome earthquake stories. Everyone's talking about walls swaying, computer monitors sliding across desks, things falling off shelves, being in meetings and cubicles almost tipping, people mistaking the swaying for themselves getting sick, sitting on the toilet when it happened and being oh so confused. Yes! These are all true tales!!

And me?? I was covered in paint, screaming about ghosts and constructions crews, trying to discern a rumble that was the equivalent of a hunger pang. Yeah. So that's my earthquake story. Nothing exciting what.so.ever.

I bet I would have noticed it if I would have been inside, sitting on the couch, with my laptop, 'liking' stuff on facebook.... Lesson learned.

And one last sidenote- Here are our two earthquake paintings! Hunter's is on the left. Mine on the right.

You should see mine all framed- it looks too cool. I told Landon I want to sell them to which he laughed. I can only assume he LOVES the idea! haha, perhaps not...

Shark Week

As I was watching t.v. 2 weeks ago I saw a commercial for the infamous 'Shark Week' on the Discovery Channel. Shark Week is pretty awesome- scary- but awesome. I was a bit disturbed however to find out that 'Shark Week' fell on the exact week of our vacation... at the beach... where I would be swimming in the ocean. I told Landon before we left...

Me: You know it's shark week...
Landon: So??
Me: We're totally going to see sharks at the beach this year...
Landon: So??

Well fine then. And sure enough... we saw sharks. Dylan, my 3 year old, LOVES to swim in the ocean. Hunter is more cautious but enjoys being out there as long as someone is holding his hand. I had taken Dylan out fairly far and we were enjoying floating over the waves. A HUGE wave came in and I hoisted Dyl up as far above my head as I could while the wave crashed over my head. I took that as a sign: time to go in. So we went up on the beach and sat under the tent for a while. It wasn't too long when I saw some people running. I saw Landon get up and walk very quickly toward the ocean. I thought someone got hurt actually... but none of the lifeguards seemed to be doing anything so I was confused. Landon walked a bit faster and a instinct told me to get up and grab the video camera. I ran toward him and hit record and sure enough- Sharks had flooded the area we just got out of. They appeared to be "playing". The entire section of ocean had cleared out of course and by then the lifeguards were making everyone get out of the water. There was a whole family of sharks swimming right up to the shore. And, in true doofus fashion, I was so immersed in the situation that I was videotaping about 2 feet too far to the right and only caught the fins of the sharks for a second. The whole clip is just of the waves. Nice Laur, real nice.

Here is the clip... fins on the left hand side, at the 3 second mark.

The lifeguard talked to us and told us that the sharks were confused by the tide change and that they COULDN'T swim back out. Yeah. Okay. All I kept picturing was this:

They also said they were "scared" of us and that we shouldn't worry. Whatever you say lifeguard who I've never actually seen touch the water. I'll just send my kids out there for a swim now. Maybe Hunter can help them with their math skills and send them on their way back out to the briny deep.

In the end it was pretty cool. We got to see sharks firsthand and after an hour everyone was back to swimming. We didn't see them again either- thank God. Landon actually caught a baby shark in his cast net at the end of the week. Pretty sweet...

Shark week indeed.

A vacation story: how ridiculously stupid other parents are.

I have a few blogs I hope to post about our trip last week to the beach. I took some great pictures and I am hoping to make a vacation movie of sorts- but all in due time. Life is back to its original busy state- even one day after vacation ended.

The story I want to tell you is a short one... and as you can see by the title- it's all about stupid parents. I am truly convinced that you should have to apply to become a parent. The application process should be so difficult and exhausting that only people who really want and love children would go through with it. I am a people-watcher so I enjoy watching others interact. Unfortunately there is no filter on this "hobby" so I have to take in all the crap as well the interesting stuff... Enter my story...

I think that every kid loves tickets: winning them at an arcade or a carnival or having to give one to someone at a fair to go on a ride. I found a great site online that makes up printable tickets- movie tickets, carnival tickets, prize tickets, and I printed them out and set up little games around the living room and each one the kids win they get a certain amount of tickets. They trade them in for snacks or toys I've put away for a while. It's alot of fun. Hunter will even set up the games for me and let me win tickets. OHH YEAH!!! GAME ON!!! As I whip the ball at a stack of cups....

SO, Landon had taken the children to Alligator Adventure for a little boys afternoon out. I met them at the park and waited outside the gift shop for them. As I waited I watched a whole parade of parents, dragging their children into the park, 92% of them chain smoking and yelling at the kids to watch out for the turtles. (Umm, first of all, why in the name of all that is fresh air would you smoke in your kids face? And second of all, turtles? TURTLES??? You are entering a place called Alligator Adventure and you're worried about your kids walking around turtles?? I think you need to visit a different place, maybe someplace without animals, like McDonalds, or Mattress Discounters.) So, this disturbing parent/child parade clears and out comes a Grandma and her 2 grandchildren. I thought to myself- "How nice! She took her grandkids out in this heat to see the animals. Good for her!" So her little granddaughter runs ahead of her, laughing and skipping- she was adorable- and she runs to the end of the bridge and blocks the way. When her Grandma and brother made it to the end of the bridge she holds out her hand and says: Two Ticket Please!!!! The Grandma smiles and says- Okay sweetie! Reaches into her pocket and.....





Wait for it......







.................






Pulls out a pack of cigarettes and puts them in the little girls hand. Here you go kiddo! 2 tickets!



I.am.not.joking.



My mouth dropped open so fast I looked like one of those fake singing fish. The little girl handed her Grandma the cigarettes back and they got in their car and went home. Wow. Just wow.

I guess when you don't have any real tickets, cigarettes are the next best thing. I'll have to remember that next time we set up a carnival in the living room.... Sorry kids! No tickets this time... but if you knock down all the bowling pins I'll give you each 5 cigarettes!!! HOORAY! I'm only kidding of course.

*Fun fact: Hunter thinks 'cigarettes' are actually called 'ciggaroos'. I don't correct him. It's too funny.*

So yeah, I got to witness some real gem stories this past week. You gotta love vacation!! It's good to be back though... till next time...


Seashells and cigaroos,

Lauren

Robots

Robots are pretty awesome. I feel like perhaps this might be one of several posts about them over the years. I guess you'll have to wait and see... but today I wanted to hop on the computer and share a brief tale of what just happened but 1 hour ago.

Dylan was eating breakfast in the kitchen. Hunter wasn't hungry quite yet so he was watching cartoons. I walked into the living room to see if Hunter was ready for breakfast. I was being my usual goofy self and decided to be a "robot" to make Hunter laugh. I walk in all robotic and talking in that go-to monotone robot voice.

"Hunter. I. am. a. robot. I. am. a. robot."

Hunter looks at me. Looks back at the tv. Looks back at me. Then back to the tv. I'm sorry, was I just being a robot and got completed ignored???? So I try again. This time, with more gusto!!!

(Doing a really cool robot dance move) "HUNTER. I. AM. A. ROBOT... A. TICKLE. ROBOT... AND. I. HAVE. COME. TO. TICKLE. YOU."

Then I proceeded to tickle him. I waited for a roar of belly laughter and his usual response of jumping right into whatever character I've started. But no! Nothing!! He just stared at me and was doing his best to squirm away from my tickling. Then he started to CRY....

"Mom, will you just stop it! I hate it when you're a robot. You're a person. A PERSON!!!!"





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Wow, what just happened here? That is not how I envisioned this going...



This brings up a few questions:

1. How many times do I pretend to be a robot?? Clearly if I made my child CRY then it has to be a ridiculously large amount. But I honestly don't bring out the robot too often.... 3, maybe 4 times a day. No, I'm kidding...

2. And why would it upset him so much? Is it because I am just that convincing? Does it really appear to him as though I've morphed into a robot that he feels the need to remind me that I'm a person? (A PERSON!). .

3. A tickle robot! Come on kid! Who doesn't like a tickle robot?!

Well, I'm happy to say this story has a happy ending. I gave Hunter a hug. Wiped away those 2.5 tears he managed to squeeze out of his little cute eyeballs during the ordeal. (I'm convinced it was fake crying...) And I went a made a peace offering: 2 Wildberry Toaster Strudels, icing strategically placed on top, both cut in half. Just the way he likes it.

"Here you go Hunter. 2 toaster strudels for you, just the way you like them. I'm sorry I made you upset. Love you bud. You little robot you."

"Thanks mama. That's okay. I love you too...... Wait, what did you call me????"


Haha, sometimes I crack myself up...

Shadow People.

My last post was in April. It's now creeping up into July. Clearly my dream of having a daily/weekly blog should have just stayed a dream. My life actually got BUSY. I didn't realize that once one of my kids was in school and we started getting involved there and with sports that free time is non-existent. It's been awesome though... I'm so glad school is out for Hunter. I'm so glad school is starting for Dyl. We've been having a WONDERFUL summer!!

And so, drum roll please... a blog about....

Shadow people.

I hate them.

I always have.

I always will.

Do you all know what shadow people are??? It's those big black cutout's people put in their yard of various people/animals. I call them shadow people.

I googled 'shadow people' and got a mysterious array of ghostly websites. Wrong google, dead wrong. So here is a website that sells a whole mess of them- http://www.thewinfieldcollection.com/print_catalog/People. I noticed that they have one of Elvis. I think I may have to rethink this post now. I do love me some Elvis....

Seriously, what is the point of them?? (Other than the awesome Elvis one.) I.do.not.get.it. Is there a certain message you want to relay to people by displaying them? Or do you really like the look of them?



We've decided to get a fake dog for the yard. Isn't he cute? Sit, Come on boy, siiiittt. I SAID SIT!!! Good dog.







Why, hello creepy little children. Yes, you do look inviting, don't you? Did that little one just say something??? ((shudders))



Nothing says WELCOME! like a massive 6 foot black bear in your front yard.

What do I know though? Maybe these add some whimsy that I am unaware of. I guess these could be cute... ugh, who am I kidding. I still hate them. I'm trying to find something positive about them since I know there is a huge Elvis cutout I can purchase. Uhhh huh.

I moved to this area 7 years ago and along the one road here there is a certain shadow man that the owners have strategically placed RIGHT BESIDE THE ROAD. Now, this is a back road, in the country, it has some curves, etc. People hit deer on this road allll the time. I've had to stop so an actual bear could cross. So why on earth would they stick this man right along it is beyond me...

ANYWAY, so over these past 7 years that shadow man has scared me almost every.single.time. I've been on that road. ESPECIALLY at night. Without fail, I forget it's there and either- a.) slam on the brakes thinking about about to hit someone/something or b.) swerve thinking about to hit someone/something. I AM GOING TO CAUSE AN ACCIDENT!! And to top it off, the dude is holding an American flag. I can't totally hate him if he's got our Country's flag!!?? For the love...

Yeah, this is definitely accurate. Look at my face. See how scared I am??? Ugh....

If anyone has one of these in your yard- I'd love to know why. Unravel the mystery for me, won't you?? ;)

Until next time...

Fireflies and Freezepops,

Lauren

A Beach Story

Well, I woke up this morning to dark skies and rain. Where is my wedding dress?? Hunter! Go get the matches!

I thought I'd share a random beach story with you all today. All true of course, drama and all.

I absolutely love the beach. I love the ocean. I love being in the water. It's pure bliss. What don't I love?? The creepy water creatures the roam beneath. It's not that I don't like sea life- It's beautiful and intriguing... I just prefer to encounter it at aquariums or in fishtanks or on Animal Planet. This is my only stress while I'm on vacation. My love for being in the ocean trumps my fear- so I just try not to touch the bottom of the ocean floor and that seems to help.

My Dad says that every year I get "bit" several times by a sharp seashell. No Dad!!! It was a crab!! I swear!!

SO, back to my story. Last summer on vacation, Landon had taken the kids inside for a nap. Dad and I stayed out on the beach. He was reading one of his many sports books and I decided I'd take a swim... alone. The water was soo warm and there were a lot of other people out in the ocean so why not? I jumped the smaller waves and got out past the breaking point of the waves and started bobbing around. The sun was beating down, seagulls were soaring around, the sound of children laughing while building sandcastles, the ocean water was just cool enough to feel amazing, it was the perfect day. As I laid my head back and floated over the waves I thought- This is so relaxing. It's so peaceful. I am so glad we are on vacation. It's not even nerve racking being out here all by myself......

Then it got really quiet all of a sudden.

I lifted my head up and looked around. Some of the people had swam in. But in the meantime I had floated out a little farther than I had been. Not much mind you... just 10 feet or so. That's okay, I thought. No big deal- I'll paddle back in in a few minutes. I should just put my feet down to make sure I can still touch the bottom. So I go to look down into the water to get my bearings and what do I see???

Thousands of fish had surrounded me.

I had floated into a very large school of fish. I was literally bobbing in the middle of their "school". So what did I do? COMPLETELY PANIC. But I didn't panic over the fish. I paniked because I just knew, KNEW, that there were several sharks looking for lunch and they were headed in to eat these fish right now. So naturally, I screamed bloody terror. And then I swam faster than Michael Phelps in the 200m freestyle. Seriously, you put me in dark waters with some seaweed and sharks and I am the next US Swimmer Olympiad.

So I run to report to my Dad all that has just happened to me- to which he gives me a one-eyebrowed "Mmmmhmmm." It happened Dad! I swear!!! But I guess I can't blame him for being skeptical. Several years ago we were all swimming in the ocean and a dolphin swam about 6 feet from us and I freaked out and yelled- SHARK!!! and cleared the ENTIRE beach... haha. Good times. Goooood times.

The Winter Crazies

Well, I've certainly been slacking off. It has been such a long winter. The boys were literally sick for 5 months straight and I was sick half the time as well. I was completely exhausted and had little to no creative mental capacity to keep up with my blog.

Dear Blog, I've missed you. I'm sorry I've ignored you for so long. I gave you a fresh new backround though. Now, let's get back to entertaining the whole 13.5 people who read this. Love, Me.

What is up with the weather here in Pa?? SERIOUSLY... I've had it. The next person to mention global warming within earshot of me better have good health insurance- you're in for a tail whooping. We get one really nice warm day followed by sleet and freezing temperatures. I need the sunshine! I need the warmth!! I feel like a mental patient being cooped up in the house all the time. I start getting these crazy non-sense ideas...

((What to do today, what.to.do??? I'm so bored and if I have to sit here and clean again all day today I'll go mad. I need to get out of this house- but wait, it's 33 degrees and dumping icy rain all over the place. And it's so dark outside- I should just take a nap with the kids. Yes, a nap.... and then I'll wake up and be even MORE tired than when I started. And I'll have even less motivation to do anything productive. [Enter the crazy...]

I should color my hair myself- perhaps purple highlights...I know I have a few packs of koolaid somewhere. Maybe I'll give Dylan a mohawk while I'm at it...

Maybe I'll put on my wedding dress and make Hunter carry the train while I greet all my faux party guests...**ding ding ding, I'd like to make a toast**

I should paint a mural on the living room wall- something classy, like an Elvis memorial...

Where is my 80's cd mix?? I've got my legwarmers and head band and I want to make a music video...

We should turn the house into an amusement park of somesort! Okay, Hunt- you get the sled from the basement- set it at the top of the stairs. I'll put a huge bucket of water at the bottom. That'll be the log flume ride... Yes, you and Dylan can ride but you have to make sure you stay seated and keep your arms and legs inside the sled at all times. We must insure safety you know...

What's that Hunter? You want to roast marshmallows in the living room? Sure! We'll take these Lincoln Logs and place them just like so... now, you go and get the matches while I take the batteries out of the smoke alarms. They don't teach you this sort of genius in Boy Scouts, I'll tell you that much...))

SEE WHAT I MEAN? If you know me even a little bit you know that I am really not kidding about any of those aforementioned ideas. This is what lack of fresh air does to people. Thank God for webcams...

Does anyone else feel like this?!?!

Well, I think we're finally coming to the end of this cold weather... and my winter mental illness. I hope so anyway- I'm sort of bored with the webcam. Summer weather should be here soon and I can't wait to get outside and "get the stink blown off me" as my mother always says. But until then, I'll try get some funny posts out to you in the meantime!

Dandelions and Daisys...

Lauren

I am a slacker.

Yes, that's about it. I'll be back to writing soon!

Secret Mom-Power #26

As a mother you begin to develop all sorts of random skills- the ability to make tears stop with a hug and a kiss, the ability to care for yourself and your entire family on 2 hours of sleep, the ability to clean up vast amounts of poop and throw-up without dry-heaving, and the ability to see and hear everything your kids are up to- whether they want you to or not. Wow, what new thing will I do in the future?? I hope it's flying, please let it be flying.

So one of the cooler "mom-powers" I'm beginning to master is speaking to my children through nothing but facial expressions. For all you new mom's with newborns- you will use this soon- so pay attention. Dads- feel free to use this as well. Take notes, LEARN...

I refuse to yell at my children in public. Kids have no business being humilated in front of everyone. The only time I yell is if there is an emergency or if my kids can't hear me. (FOCUS HUNTER!!). Other than that- I just don't do it- or at least, I try my best not to. I try to pull them aside and "whisper yell" and tell them we will deal with this at home. I really can't complain- I rarely have to yell at either of my children- Hunter and Dylan are both very well behaved and listen 92% of the time. That other 8% of the time I try to utilize what I like to call "Expressive Facial Communication"

Here, let me show you...
Let me start with the ones I use when I'm not yelling-

Maybe one day we're at the park, and Dylan goes down the slide all by himself!

YAY!!

Or maybe we're at church and I've just noticed Hunter has shared with one of the other children..

AWW!

 Or maybe the boys have just given each other a big hug after playing so nicely together...

*Tear*

 One of the kids is about to fall...

Noo!!

 and then, in fact, does fall, and scraps his knee...

Ouch!!

 Of course, during those times it's usually appropriate to talk to, comfort, and praise the kiddo's. And nothing wrong with that! But what about that 8% of the time when it's not?

Like the time that Hunter asks the gas station attendant if she was a man or a woman? (It was a woman.)

No speaking!

Or when Hunter just told me that I have an attitude problem... in front of 12 people.

What did you just say?

I've just stayed up half the night taking care of them, ran around all day cleaning, cooking, laundry, playing, only to sit down to a nice dinner with some friends that I've worked on for over an hour, and have two little boys sit there crying, like I'm feeding them poison (it's chicken and potatos) when they decide to "accidently" dump their plates on the floor...

DO.NOT.THROW.THAT.PLATE.

 Or when we're in the Walmart parking lot and Hunter decides he's going to pull his pants down and pee all over the place after I told him he needs to hold it till we get home...

Seriously?

 Or when we're at a family gathering, and Dylan's decided to eat the potpourri...

No, no!!

Or when I'm at Hunter's school, and instead of getting in line with the rest of the kids, he decides to reenact his version of Mario saving the Princess from Bowser...

I give up.

I love my kids.

*Disclaimer* Expressive Facial Communication is only effective 34% of the time, given all the factors that these type of situations need to account for: environment, number of children present, number of adults present, number of animals present, amount of sugar intake of the child on the day of event, noise level, child's ability to pay attention, temperature, whether or not there is a media outlet present (ie- tv, video game, etc), and of course, your ability to use expressive facial communication techniques.



I just fell.

If you only knew the week I've had- to be as brief as possible- it was exhausting. Dylan had week long testing, Hunter's had a cold and has been fighting acid reflux, I have been running on empty and then caught Hunter's cold- which I'm nursing as I type.

So let's just pause and do some brief calculating: no sleep + sick kids + messy house + no sleep + emotionally charged drama + lot's of cold medicine = I just fell in the tub........... get ready to read the stupidest post ever.

Join me as I paint you a picture...

I was warming up the water for my little bath bugs and I attempted to scoot Dylan to the back of the tub (no one wants a baby to touch hot water {I recommend watching Rainman to learn more on this}). As I yelled WEEEE propelling him towards the back end of the tub (Hunter quickly followed suit), my little slippers decided they could no longer support my weight- either that or the cold medicine made me lightheaded. (Either way- I'm blaming the slippers.) So, the legs go and my mind tried to call my elbows: *Ring Ring, Hello Elbows, We are in a full blown state of emergency! Tell the funny bone to get a grip and prepare for a crash landing! Stat!* The elbows complied and tried to help catch me but unfortunately my Elvis robe had other plans. Darn you, you soft black, gold and leopard print robe of warm luxurious enjoyment! If only you had rubber no slip grip pads built into the back of the sleeves... I guess everyone has a weakness. But I digress... So the legs went, the elbows slipped right off the edge of the tub, and off I went, headfirst into the tub. Luckily my stomach gripped the tub edge and Lord knows the 5 lbs of Christmas eats help cushion the blow. Unfortunately, I am so long and lanky that the knees had no hope and hit the floor as I fell. The mind tried to call and console, but to no avail.... *Ring Ring, Hello Knees? KNEES! Speak to me knees!! Are you okay? ((Knees groan)) KNEES! Hang in there knees!! We need you both to be strong, you'll make it through this. Why God??? WHY????* So I sat there laughing and crying all at once. The kids didn't know whether I was joining the bathtime fun, or if I had lost my mind and really just fallen in the tub. Hunter was so confused...

Hunter: "Mother, are you laughing or crying?"
Me: "I don't know!"
Hunter: "Will you be taking a bath with us tonight?"
Me: "I don't know. I think I need help."
Hunter: "Yes, I agree."

So I picked myself up. I was a sight for sore eyes... I looked like a drowned Pomeranian. My hair half wet, matted to my forehead and glasses. My glasses soaked so badly I couldn't even see out of them. My Elvis robe, now 20 lbs heavier with water, leaving the tub half-empty. My elbows, glad to see the Elvis robe gone after causing them sheer embarrassment. My knees throbbing, slowly coming back to life and muttering curses under the bruising. My slippers, in the corner, awaiting their punishment...

So, yeah. I fell.

Has anyone seen my cold medicine?

Things I Don't Understand 1.0

Things I don't understand:

• Why Hunter thinks that asking me if he can play Wii 103 times is going to make me say yes. It won't. Okay, it does sometimes.
• Why Landon always mixes up names by switching the first two letters. Example: Liza and Ben would be Biza and Len. Nanny and Pappy would be Panny and Nappy. Peanut Butter and Jelly would be Jeanut Putter and Belly. I don't understand but I like it.
• Brussel sprouts. Are they little cabbages? It's a mystery and I love them. Delish.
• Why anyone would want to read my blog- it's sheer nonsense. Thank you for reading though. High five!
• How do they get crescent rolls in a can? Someone tell me please.
• Why I was not sore at all when I played baseball outside a few months ago, but yet, couldn't move for 2 days when I played baseball on the Wii a few weeks ago. I cannot possibly be more active playing fake baseball.
• Spontaneous Combustion.
• Why anyone would insist we haven't been to the moon. Yes, the government had a little extra time and money back in 1969 and decided to fool us all.
• Smart cars. Is it really smart to make a car so compact that you could probably be killed by hitting a large bird?
• When someone tells me that some sort of large, scary insect/spider/snake is "nice".... No Landon. I do NOT want to hold that little snake. I don't care if it doesn't bite. And no, I do not want to touch that Daddy Long Legs... STOP TELLING ME IT'S NICE! I don't care if it sing's me a verse of Singing in the Rain, complete with top hat, umbrella, and shoes- I'm not holding it.
• How a camera capture's a picture. And how TV's show picture.

To be continued...

My New Year's Resolution for 2011

New Years Eve. Quite possibly the most over-rated holiday ever. I'm sorry, but there is very little that excites me enough to get me to stay up until midnight. ha! And the whole resolution thing? I typically don't give it a passing thought. If you want to lose weight, lose weight. If you want to quit smoking, quit smoking. You don't have to wait to January 1st to make a change in your life! COME ON PEOPLE! Can I get an Amen?

This year I decided to make a list though. I think you'll find it to be a bit nontraditional than what you'd usually see on a New Years Resolution List... but, let's be honest- would you expect a list from me to be normal in any sense? No, I doubt it. Let's begin.

Lauren's New Year's Resolutions for 2011!!!

1. Spend more money on shoes. I own 5 pairs of flip-flops, 1 pair of boots, 1 pair of sneakers, and maybe 3 pairs of dress shoes. That is not enough.
2. Bring 80's entertainment back into my life. I intend on watching 80's movies, television, and cartoons, listening to 80's music, wearing 80's clothes, and saying 80's phrases- pretty much all the time in 2011. I could not be more serious about this one. Totally far out!!
3. Exercise less, but be more active. Does that make sense? I have no intention of jogging more, or upping the intensity of my pilates workout. But perhaps I'll pick up rock-climbing, or dodge ball, or ice-hockey?
4. Start deleting people from my facebook page. I use facebook for sheer entertainment purposes and frankly, I'm getting a little tired of some people- all those in favor of blocking every single whiner, complainer, political radical, and creeper- say 'I'!
5. Eat more cheese. It's already the main staple of my diet- but I think there's always room for improvement.
6. Eat more period.
7. Keep on creating. This past year I've taken my rare free moments to create- I started my blog, been working on a book, writing a screenplay, and I intend to keep going as I get time! YES!
8. Invent new words. Yakinshmagle- noun. An annoying person who talks too much. That Lauren, she never shuts up! What a yakinshmagle!!!
9. Ride the Ferris Wheel with Hunter at least 1 time this year. The kid loves it and by george... it made me sick last year. There are these few moments when my age let's me know who's boss and I keep trying to argue it out of existence.

Lauren- "Hunter, Dylan- let's see how many rides we can go on before lunch!"
Lauren's age- "Don't do that. You'll get sick"
Lauren- "Shut up age. You don't own me!"
Lauren's age- "Yes I do. You're almost 30. If you ride too many rides you'll get nauseous and be miserable for the rest of the day."
Lauren- "Come on, I'm not "old". I used to go to parks and ride from open to close and never once get sick. I'll do what I want! You're not the boss of me!!"
Lauren's age- "Fine, suit yourself"
Literally 3 rides later, including the Ferris Wheel....
Lauren- "Ugh, Landon, I feel so sick. I'm gonna go sit down for a while..."

So yeah, I'm riding it again. We'll see who wins in the end.
10. Buying a pistol. Yes, I buying my own gun and maybe Landon and I will start going on dates to the shooting range. SIGH, we are sooo romantic <3!
11. Rewatching every episode of Lost.
12. Sending out real mail. I love getting a random letter in the mail and it NEVER happens anymore. I guess there is no point given email, facebook, blogging, etc, etc... But I think I want to start mailing again. We'll see. I'm not holding my breath on this one.
13. And finally... inventing a time machine. Don't laugh. It's not impossible.

I think that about covers things that I simply must resolve in 2011. I'm sure I missed a thing or two but shoot, I just don't know where I'd fine time to do anything else. It looks like I'll be pretty busy this upcoming year! In all seriousness I am really excited for this new year. I think it will be really awesome, and fun, and full of good things. I am SO looking forward to seeing all that God has for me, Landon, Hunter, and Dylan!

And so here is to you my fellow dudes and dudettes- Wishing you all a totally outrageous, totally far out, radical, jammin' 2011! May it be full of old episodes of Cheers, The Cosby Show, Golden Girls, ALF, Perfect Strangers, Full House, Bosom Buddies, and Family Ties. May it be full of classic movies like Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, Breakfast Club, Mannequin, Footloose, Goonies, Back to the Future, Ferris Buellers Day off, and Overboard. And when you hear a song by the Bangles, Culture Club, A-Ha, Wham!, REO Speedwagon, Journey, Styx or Whitesnake- you CRANK.IT.UP!

Have a totally gnarly New Year! Like, for sure!

Lauren

Lauren's (!) True Holiday Story: A Christmas Tree.

Having two small children and two Christmas trees always makes for a good time...

The tree is usually put up while the children are
a.) sleeping
b.) playing in the other room or
c.) at grandma's

This year, they were home for it...

Then Hunter usually makes his way in to help decorate.

SIGH! Poor kid... Mommy is entirely too OCD to let the tree stay that way. I'll fix it.

So yes, tree is up and decorated, helping to add to the joy of the holiday season that has filled our home!

And then...











Enter Dylan....

Fantastic. Okay, so it's going on hour 8 decorating for Christmas... I'm getting a little tired...

There we go! Finished.

WHAT? WHAAAAAT???

Oh sweet Moses.....

Come on Moms, you know what I'm talking about...


And then...

Followed immediately by...

Crap.

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Well, if you can't beat 'em...