Secret Mom-Power #26

As a mother you begin to develop all sorts of random skills- the ability to make tears stop with a hug and a kiss, the ability to care for yourself and your entire family on 2 hours of sleep, the ability to clean up vast amounts of poop and throw-up without dry-heaving, and the ability to see and hear everything your kids are up to- whether they want you to or not. Wow, what new thing will I do in the future?? I hope it's flying, please let it be flying.

So one of the cooler "mom-powers" I'm beginning to master is speaking to my children through nothing but facial expressions. For all you new mom's with newborns- you will use this soon- so pay attention. Dads- feel free to use this as well. Take notes, LEARN...

I refuse to yell at my children in public. Kids have no business being humilated in front of everyone. The only time I yell is if there is an emergency or if my kids can't hear me. (FOCUS HUNTER!!). Other than that- I just don't do it- or at least, I try my best not to. I try to pull them aside and "whisper yell" and tell them we will deal with this at home. I really can't complain- I rarely have to yell at either of my children- Hunter and Dylan are both very well behaved and listen 92% of the time. That other 8% of the time I try to utilize what I like to call "Expressive Facial Communication"

Here, let me show you...
Let me start with the ones I use when I'm not yelling-

Maybe one day we're at the park, and Dylan goes down the slide all by himself!

YAY!!

Or maybe we're at church and I've just noticed Hunter has shared with one of the other children..

AWW!

 Or maybe the boys have just given each other a big hug after playing so nicely together...

*Tear*

 One of the kids is about to fall...

Noo!!

 and then, in fact, does fall, and scraps his knee...

Ouch!!

 Of course, during those times it's usually appropriate to talk to, comfort, and praise the kiddo's. And nothing wrong with that! But what about that 8% of the time when it's not?

Like the time that Hunter asks the gas station attendant if she was a man or a woman? (It was a woman.)

No speaking!

Or when Hunter just told me that I have an attitude problem... in front of 12 people.

What did you just say?

I've just stayed up half the night taking care of them, ran around all day cleaning, cooking, laundry, playing, only to sit down to a nice dinner with some friends that I've worked on for over an hour, and have two little boys sit there crying, like I'm feeding them poison (it's chicken and potatos) when they decide to "accidently" dump their plates on the floor...

DO.NOT.THROW.THAT.PLATE.

 Or when we're in the Walmart parking lot and Hunter decides he's going to pull his pants down and pee all over the place after I told him he needs to hold it till we get home...

Seriously?

 Or when we're at a family gathering, and Dylan's decided to eat the potpourri...

No, no!!

Or when I'm at Hunter's school, and instead of getting in line with the rest of the kids, he decides to reenact his version of Mario saving the Princess from Bowser...

I give up.

I love my kids.

*Disclaimer* Expressive Facial Communication is only effective 34% of the time, given all the factors that these type of situations need to account for: environment, number of children present, number of adults present, number of animals present, amount of sugar intake of the child on the day of event, noise level, child's ability to pay attention, temperature, whether or not there is a media outlet present (ie- tv, video game, etc), and of course, your ability to use expressive facial communication techniques.



I just fell.

If you only knew the week I've had- to be as brief as possible- it was exhausting. Dylan had week long testing, Hunter's had a cold and has been fighting acid reflux, I have been running on empty and then caught Hunter's cold- which I'm nursing as I type.

So let's just pause and do some brief calculating: no sleep + sick kids + messy house + no sleep + emotionally charged drama + lot's of cold medicine = I just fell in the tub........... get ready to read the stupidest post ever.

Join me as I paint you a picture...

I was warming up the water for my little bath bugs and I attempted to scoot Dylan to the back of the tub (no one wants a baby to touch hot water {I recommend watching Rainman to learn more on this}). As I yelled WEEEE propelling him towards the back end of the tub (Hunter quickly followed suit), my little slippers decided they could no longer support my weight- either that or the cold medicine made me lightheaded. (Either way- I'm blaming the slippers.) So, the legs go and my mind tried to call my elbows: *Ring Ring, Hello Elbows, We are in a full blown state of emergency! Tell the funny bone to get a grip and prepare for a crash landing! Stat!* The elbows complied and tried to help catch me but unfortunately my Elvis robe had other plans. Darn you, you soft black, gold and leopard print robe of warm luxurious enjoyment! If only you had rubber no slip grip pads built into the back of the sleeves... I guess everyone has a weakness. But I digress... So the legs went, the elbows slipped right off the edge of the tub, and off I went, headfirst into the tub. Luckily my stomach gripped the tub edge and Lord knows the 5 lbs of Christmas eats help cushion the blow. Unfortunately, I am so long and lanky that the knees had no hope and hit the floor as I fell. The mind tried to call and console, but to no avail.... *Ring Ring, Hello Knees? KNEES! Speak to me knees!! Are you okay? ((Knees groan)) KNEES! Hang in there knees!! We need you both to be strong, you'll make it through this. Why God??? WHY????* So I sat there laughing and crying all at once. The kids didn't know whether I was joining the bathtime fun, or if I had lost my mind and really just fallen in the tub. Hunter was so confused...

Hunter: "Mother, are you laughing or crying?"
Me: "I don't know!"
Hunter: "Will you be taking a bath with us tonight?"
Me: "I don't know. I think I need help."
Hunter: "Yes, I agree."

So I picked myself up. I was a sight for sore eyes... I looked like a drowned Pomeranian. My hair half wet, matted to my forehead and glasses. My glasses soaked so badly I couldn't even see out of them. My Elvis robe, now 20 lbs heavier with water, leaving the tub half-empty. My elbows, glad to see the Elvis robe gone after causing them sheer embarrassment. My knees throbbing, slowly coming back to life and muttering curses under the bruising. My slippers, in the corner, awaiting their punishment...

So, yeah. I fell.

Has anyone seen my cold medicine?

Things I Don't Understand 1.0

Things I don't understand:

• Why Hunter thinks that asking me if he can play Wii 103 times is going to make me say yes. It won't. Okay, it does sometimes.
• Why Landon always mixes up names by switching the first two letters. Example: Liza and Ben would be Biza and Len. Nanny and Pappy would be Panny and Nappy. Peanut Butter and Jelly would be Jeanut Putter and Belly. I don't understand but I like it.
• Brussel sprouts. Are they little cabbages? It's a mystery and I love them. Delish.
• Why anyone would want to read my blog- it's sheer nonsense. Thank you for reading though. High five!
• How do they get crescent rolls in a can? Someone tell me please.
• Why I was not sore at all when I played baseball outside a few months ago, but yet, couldn't move for 2 days when I played baseball on the Wii a few weeks ago. I cannot possibly be more active playing fake baseball.
• Spontaneous Combustion.
• Why anyone would insist we haven't been to the moon. Yes, the government had a little extra time and money back in 1969 and decided to fool us all.
• Smart cars. Is it really smart to make a car so compact that you could probably be killed by hitting a large bird?
• When someone tells me that some sort of large, scary insect/spider/snake is "nice".... No Landon. I do NOT want to hold that little snake. I don't care if it doesn't bite. And no, I do not want to touch that Daddy Long Legs... STOP TELLING ME IT'S NICE! I don't care if it sing's me a verse of Singing in the Rain, complete with top hat, umbrella, and shoes- I'm not holding it.
• How a camera capture's a picture. And how TV's show picture.

To be continued...

My New Year's Resolution for 2011

New Years Eve. Quite possibly the most over-rated holiday ever. I'm sorry, but there is very little that excites me enough to get me to stay up until midnight. ha! And the whole resolution thing? I typically don't give it a passing thought. If you want to lose weight, lose weight. If you want to quit smoking, quit smoking. You don't have to wait to January 1st to make a change in your life! COME ON PEOPLE! Can I get an Amen?

This year I decided to make a list though. I think you'll find it to be a bit nontraditional than what you'd usually see on a New Years Resolution List... but, let's be honest- would you expect a list from me to be normal in any sense? No, I doubt it. Let's begin.

Lauren's New Year's Resolutions for 2011!!!

1. Spend more money on shoes. I own 5 pairs of flip-flops, 1 pair of boots, 1 pair of sneakers, and maybe 3 pairs of dress shoes. That is not enough.
2. Bring 80's entertainment back into my life. I intend on watching 80's movies, television, and cartoons, listening to 80's music, wearing 80's clothes, and saying 80's phrases- pretty much all the time in 2011. I could not be more serious about this one. Totally far out!!
3. Exercise less, but be more active. Does that make sense? I have no intention of jogging more, or upping the intensity of my pilates workout. But perhaps I'll pick up rock-climbing, or dodge ball, or ice-hockey?
4. Start deleting people from my facebook page. I use facebook for sheer entertainment purposes and frankly, I'm getting a little tired of some people- all those in favor of blocking every single whiner, complainer, political radical, and creeper- say 'I'!
5. Eat more cheese. It's already the main staple of my diet- but I think there's always room for improvement.
6. Eat more period.
7. Keep on creating. This past year I've taken my rare free moments to create- I started my blog, been working on a book, writing a screenplay, and I intend to keep going as I get time! YES!
8. Invent new words. Yakinshmagle- noun. An annoying person who talks too much. That Lauren, she never shuts up! What a yakinshmagle!!!
9. Ride the Ferris Wheel with Hunter at least 1 time this year. The kid loves it and by george... it made me sick last year. There are these few moments when my age let's me know who's boss and I keep trying to argue it out of existence.

Lauren- "Hunter, Dylan- let's see how many rides we can go on before lunch!"
Lauren's age- "Don't do that. You'll get sick"
Lauren- "Shut up age. You don't own me!"
Lauren's age- "Yes I do. You're almost 30. If you ride too many rides you'll get nauseous and be miserable for the rest of the day."
Lauren- "Come on, I'm not "old". I used to go to parks and ride from open to close and never once get sick. I'll do what I want! You're not the boss of me!!"
Lauren's age- "Fine, suit yourself"
Literally 3 rides later, including the Ferris Wheel....
Lauren- "Ugh, Landon, I feel so sick. I'm gonna go sit down for a while..."

So yeah, I'm riding it again. We'll see who wins in the end.
10. Buying a pistol. Yes, I buying my own gun and maybe Landon and I will start going on dates to the shooting range. SIGH, we are sooo romantic <3!
11. Rewatching every episode of Lost.
12. Sending out real mail. I love getting a random letter in the mail and it NEVER happens anymore. I guess there is no point given email, facebook, blogging, etc, etc... But I think I want to start mailing again. We'll see. I'm not holding my breath on this one.
13. And finally... inventing a time machine. Don't laugh. It's not impossible.

I think that about covers things that I simply must resolve in 2011. I'm sure I missed a thing or two but shoot, I just don't know where I'd fine time to do anything else. It looks like I'll be pretty busy this upcoming year! In all seriousness I am really excited for this new year. I think it will be really awesome, and fun, and full of good things. I am SO looking forward to seeing all that God has for me, Landon, Hunter, and Dylan!

And so here is to you my fellow dudes and dudettes- Wishing you all a totally outrageous, totally far out, radical, jammin' 2011! May it be full of old episodes of Cheers, The Cosby Show, Golden Girls, ALF, Perfect Strangers, Full House, Bosom Buddies, and Family Ties. May it be full of classic movies like Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, Breakfast Club, Mannequin, Footloose, Goonies, Back to the Future, Ferris Buellers Day off, and Overboard. And when you hear a song by the Bangles, Culture Club, A-Ha, Wham!, REO Speedwagon, Journey, Styx or Whitesnake- you CRANK.IT.UP!

Have a totally gnarly New Year! Like, for sure!

Lauren

Lauren's (!) True Holiday Story: A Christmas Tree.

Having two small children and two Christmas trees always makes for a good time...

The tree is usually put up while the children are
a.) sleeping
b.) playing in the other room or
c.) at grandma's

This year, they were home for it...

Then Hunter usually makes his way in to help decorate.

SIGH! Poor kid... Mommy is entirely too OCD to let the tree stay that way. I'll fix it.

So yes, tree is up and decorated, helping to add to the joy of the holiday season that has filled our home!

And then...











Enter Dylan....

Fantastic. Okay, so it's going on hour 8 decorating for Christmas... I'm getting a little tired...

There we go! Finished.

WHAT? WHAAAAAT???

Oh sweet Moses.....

Come on Moms, you know what I'm talking about...


And then...

Followed immediately by...

Crap.

.............

..............................................

.....................................................................................................

Well, if you can't beat 'em...

Please sit down. The Doctor will see you soon.

Since Dylan was born, I've made going to Dr.'s appointments an art form. All of Dyl's doctors but one are in Pittsburgh, so usually we have to drive 1.5 hours there, and then 1.5 hours back. What a long day that makes for. It's gotten so much better. We usually have a mess of appointments every 3 months instead of DAILY. Yes, when he was first born we we're going to Pittsburgh several times a week, then it went to once a week, then once every 2 weeks, then once a month, now we are at about every 3 months, and it's looking like beginning in January, we will only have appointments every 6 months!!! (Thank you Lord! Woo!!) So, all that to say- I know my way around a doctors' office...

Take a gander around next time you are in the waiting room. You wouldn't believe all the signs that are posted.

• If you are more than 15 minutes late for your appointment, we will gladly reschedule you.
• You must have your updated insurance cards with you at every appointment.
• Co-pays are due on the same day as your appointment.
• If you need to cancel your appointment, kindly gives us 24 hours notice.
• There will be a $25 fee for all returned checks.

And those are just the basics for most offices. There are usually more specifically tailored signs to the particular kind of doctor you are visiting.

Well, let's take a little trip back a few weeks ago to Dylan's last appointment with the eye doctor. I always like to be a little early to appointments-- so we left early, drove 2 hours, got there 30 minutes early, and then proceeded to WAIT for 1.5 hours until we were even seen, then we have a 15 min consult, got his pupils dialated, and then had to wait another 20 minutes, then had another 20 minutes consult, then got back in the car and drove another 2 hours home. Let's tally the time: 6 hours 55 minutes.

Now, I know that it's not the Dr.'s fault that I live 2 hours away... but still, that is a very long day for a 2.5 year old. And I am very proud to say, Dylan was just perfect. He didn't even fuss. I tell you what, you will not find a more pleasant child than him. He is so good and just adapts to whatever. God blessed me, what can I say? But as I sat and waited and waited and waited and waited I looked at the signs and thought- why are these all about the Doctor??? Clearly we are here for a reason so why isn't anyone a little more considerate to what we're going through? Shouldn't it be about the patients? Is it fair that because THEY decide to book patients back to back and get behind that we have to wait for hours on end? No!! SO, I've decided to create some rules of my own and post signs on my back/purse/child as we walk into Doctor's appointments.

'Tis the Season!

It's that time of year again... the holidays and Christmas season should just about be in full swing and you won't hear me complain about it. I LOVE IT. I spruced up the blog with a super jolly backround- I hope you enjoy it. And so, to start off the season I've decided to share my list of the 10 most underrated, unplayed Christmas songs.

10. Have A Holly Jolly Headache!
9. Santa Claus Is Not Coming To Town
8. We Wish You A Hairy Christmas.
7. Sleigh Bells Ring! No, It's Just the Salvation Army Workers.
6. Baby, It's So Cold Outside I Can't Feel My Legs.
5. Jingle Cell Block
4. Big Bloated Drummer Boy
3. Twitchy- The Epileptic Reindeer
2. The 837 Days of Christmas
And lastly...
1. All I Want For Christmas Is My New Laptop, Fios, Cup of Coffee, Snuggie, And 30 Minutes Of Peace And Quiet So I Can Goof Off On Facebook.

Ho, Ho, Ho...

Lauren =)