A Beach Story

Well, I woke up this morning to dark skies and rain. Where is my wedding dress?? Hunter! Go get the matches!

I thought I'd share a random beach story with you all today. All true of course, drama and all.

I absolutely love the beach. I love the ocean. I love being in the water. It's pure bliss. What don't I love?? The creepy water creatures the roam beneath. It's not that I don't like sea life- It's beautiful and intriguing... I just prefer to encounter it at aquariums or in fishtanks or on Animal Planet. This is my only stress while I'm on vacation. My love for being in the ocean trumps my fear- so I just try not to touch the bottom of the ocean floor and that seems to help.

My Dad says that every year I get "bit" several times by a sharp seashell. No Dad!!! It was a crab!! I swear!!

SO, back to my story. Last summer on vacation, Landon had taken the kids inside for a nap. Dad and I stayed out on the beach. He was reading one of his many sports books and I decided I'd take a swim... alone. The water was soo warm and there were a lot of other people out in the ocean so why not? I jumped the smaller waves and got out past the breaking point of the waves and started bobbing around. The sun was beating down, seagulls were soaring around, the sound of children laughing while building sandcastles, the ocean water was just cool enough to feel amazing, it was the perfect day. As I laid my head back and floated over the waves I thought- This is so relaxing. It's so peaceful. I am so glad we are on vacation. It's not even nerve racking being out here all by myself......

Then it got really quiet all of a sudden.

I lifted my head up and looked around. Some of the people had swam in. But in the meantime I had floated out a little farther than I had been. Not much mind you... just 10 feet or so. That's okay, I thought. No big deal- I'll paddle back in in a few minutes. I should just put my feet down to make sure I can still touch the bottom. So I go to look down into the water to get my bearings and what do I see???

Thousands of fish had surrounded me.

I had floated into a very large school of fish. I was literally bobbing in the middle of their "school". So what did I do? COMPLETELY PANIC. But I didn't panic over the fish. I paniked because I just knew, KNEW, that there were several sharks looking for lunch and they were headed in to eat these fish right now. So naturally, I screamed bloody terror. And then I swam faster than Michael Phelps in the 200m freestyle. Seriously, you put me in dark waters with some seaweed and sharks and I am the next US Swimmer Olympiad.

So I run to report to my Dad all that has just happened to me- to which he gives me a one-eyebrowed "Mmmmhmmm." It happened Dad! I swear!!! But I guess I can't blame him for being skeptical. Several years ago we were all swimming in the ocean and a dolphin swam about 6 feet from us and I freaked out and yelled- SHARK!!! and cleared the ENTIRE beach... haha. Good times. Goooood times.

The Winter Crazies

Well, I've certainly been slacking off. It has been such a long winter. The boys were literally sick for 5 months straight and I was sick half the time as well. I was completely exhausted and had little to no creative mental capacity to keep up with my blog.

Dear Blog, I've missed you. I'm sorry I've ignored you for so long. I gave you a fresh new backround though. Now, let's get back to entertaining the whole 13.5 people who read this. Love, Me.

What is up with the weather here in Pa?? SERIOUSLY... I've had it. The next person to mention global warming within earshot of me better have good health insurance- you're in for a tail whooping. We get one really nice warm day followed by sleet and freezing temperatures. I need the sunshine! I need the warmth!! I feel like a mental patient being cooped up in the house all the time. I start getting these crazy non-sense ideas...

((What to do today, what.to.do??? I'm so bored and if I have to sit here and clean again all day today I'll go mad. I need to get out of this house- but wait, it's 33 degrees and dumping icy rain all over the place. And it's so dark outside- I should just take a nap with the kids. Yes, a nap.... and then I'll wake up and be even MORE tired than when I started. And I'll have even less motivation to do anything productive. [Enter the crazy...]

I should color my hair myself- perhaps purple highlights...I know I have a few packs of koolaid somewhere. Maybe I'll give Dylan a mohawk while I'm at it...

Maybe I'll put on my wedding dress and make Hunter carry the train while I greet all my faux party guests...**ding ding ding, I'd like to make a toast**

I should paint a mural on the living room wall- something classy, like an Elvis memorial...

Where is my 80's cd mix?? I've got my legwarmers and head band and I want to make a music video...

We should turn the house into an amusement park of somesort! Okay, Hunt- you get the sled from the basement- set it at the top of the stairs. I'll put a huge bucket of water at the bottom. That'll be the log flume ride... Yes, you and Dylan can ride but you have to make sure you stay seated and keep your arms and legs inside the sled at all times. We must insure safety you know...

What's that Hunter? You want to roast marshmallows in the living room? Sure! We'll take these Lincoln Logs and place them just like so... now, you go and get the matches while I take the batteries out of the smoke alarms. They don't teach you this sort of genius in Boy Scouts, I'll tell you that much...))

SEE WHAT I MEAN? If you know me even a little bit you know that I am really not kidding about any of those aforementioned ideas. This is what lack of fresh air does to people. Thank God for webcams...

Does anyone else feel like this?!?!

Well, I think we're finally coming to the end of this cold weather... and my winter mental illness. I hope so anyway- I'm sort of bored with the webcam. Summer weather should be here soon and I can't wait to get outside and "get the stink blown off me" as my mother always says. But until then, I'll try get some funny posts out to you in the meantime!

Dandelions and Daisys...

Lauren

I am a slacker.

Yes, that's about it. I'll be back to writing soon!

Secret Mom-Power #26

As a mother you begin to develop all sorts of random skills- the ability to make tears stop with a hug and a kiss, the ability to care for yourself and your entire family on 2 hours of sleep, the ability to clean up vast amounts of poop and throw-up without dry-heaving, and the ability to see and hear everything your kids are up to- whether they want you to or not. Wow, what new thing will I do in the future?? I hope it's flying, please let it be flying.

So one of the cooler "mom-powers" I'm beginning to master is speaking to my children through nothing but facial expressions. For all you new mom's with newborns- you will use this soon- so pay attention. Dads- feel free to use this as well. Take notes, LEARN...

I refuse to yell at my children in public. Kids have no business being humilated in front of everyone. The only time I yell is if there is an emergency or if my kids can't hear me. (FOCUS HUNTER!!). Other than that- I just don't do it- or at least, I try my best not to. I try to pull them aside and "whisper yell" and tell them we will deal with this at home. I really can't complain- I rarely have to yell at either of my children- Hunter and Dylan are both very well behaved and listen 92% of the time. That other 8% of the time I try to utilize what I like to call "Expressive Facial Communication"

Here, let me show you...
Let me start with the ones I use when I'm not yelling-

Maybe one day we're at the park, and Dylan goes down the slide all by himself!

YAY!!

Or maybe we're at church and I've just noticed Hunter has shared with one of the other children..

AWW!

 Or maybe the boys have just given each other a big hug after playing so nicely together...

*Tear*

 One of the kids is about to fall...

Noo!!

 and then, in fact, does fall, and scraps his knee...

Ouch!!

 Of course, during those times it's usually appropriate to talk to, comfort, and praise the kiddo's. And nothing wrong with that! But what about that 8% of the time when it's not?

Like the time that Hunter asks the gas station attendant if she was a man or a woman? (It was a woman.)

No speaking!

Or when Hunter just told me that I have an attitude problem... in front of 12 people.

What did you just say?

I've just stayed up half the night taking care of them, ran around all day cleaning, cooking, laundry, playing, only to sit down to a nice dinner with some friends that I've worked on for over an hour, and have two little boys sit there crying, like I'm feeding them poison (it's chicken and potatos) when they decide to "accidently" dump their plates on the floor...

DO.NOT.THROW.THAT.PLATE.

 Or when we're in the Walmart parking lot and Hunter decides he's going to pull his pants down and pee all over the place after I told him he needs to hold it till we get home...

Seriously?

 Or when we're at a family gathering, and Dylan's decided to eat the potpourri...

No, no!!

Or when I'm at Hunter's school, and instead of getting in line with the rest of the kids, he decides to reenact his version of Mario saving the Princess from Bowser...

I give up.

I love my kids.

*Disclaimer* Expressive Facial Communication is only effective 34% of the time, given all the factors that these type of situations need to account for: environment, number of children present, number of adults present, number of animals present, amount of sugar intake of the child on the day of event, noise level, child's ability to pay attention, temperature, whether or not there is a media outlet present (ie- tv, video game, etc), and of course, your ability to use expressive facial communication techniques.



I just fell.

If you only knew the week I've had- to be as brief as possible- it was exhausting. Dylan had week long testing, Hunter's had a cold and has been fighting acid reflux, I have been running on empty and then caught Hunter's cold- which I'm nursing as I type.

So let's just pause and do some brief calculating: no sleep + sick kids + messy house + no sleep + emotionally charged drama + lot's of cold medicine = I just fell in the tub........... get ready to read the stupidest post ever.

Join me as I paint you a picture...

I was warming up the water for my little bath bugs and I attempted to scoot Dylan to the back of the tub (no one wants a baby to touch hot water {I recommend watching Rainman to learn more on this}). As I yelled WEEEE propelling him towards the back end of the tub (Hunter quickly followed suit), my little slippers decided they could no longer support my weight- either that or the cold medicine made me lightheaded. (Either way- I'm blaming the slippers.) So, the legs go and my mind tried to call my elbows: *Ring Ring, Hello Elbows, We are in a full blown state of emergency! Tell the funny bone to get a grip and prepare for a crash landing! Stat!* The elbows complied and tried to help catch me but unfortunately my Elvis robe had other plans. Darn you, you soft black, gold and leopard print robe of warm luxurious enjoyment! If only you had rubber no slip grip pads built into the back of the sleeves... I guess everyone has a weakness. But I digress... So the legs went, the elbows slipped right off the edge of the tub, and off I went, headfirst into the tub. Luckily my stomach gripped the tub edge and Lord knows the 5 lbs of Christmas eats help cushion the blow. Unfortunately, I am so long and lanky that the knees had no hope and hit the floor as I fell. The mind tried to call and console, but to no avail.... *Ring Ring, Hello Knees? KNEES! Speak to me knees!! Are you okay? ((Knees groan)) KNEES! Hang in there knees!! We need you both to be strong, you'll make it through this. Why God??? WHY????* So I sat there laughing and crying all at once. The kids didn't know whether I was joining the bathtime fun, or if I had lost my mind and really just fallen in the tub. Hunter was so confused...

Hunter: "Mother, are you laughing or crying?"
Me: "I don't know!"
Hunter: "Will you be taking a bath with us tonight?"
Me: "I don't know. I think I need help."
Hunter: "Yes, I agree."

So I picked myself up. I was a sight for sore eyes... I looked like a drowned Pomeranian. My hair half wet, matted to my forehead and glasses. My glasses soaked so badly I couldn't even see out of them. My Elvis robe, now 20 lbs heavier with water, leaving the tub half-empty. My elbows, glad to see the Elvis robe gone after causing them sheer embarrassment. My knees throbbing, slowly coming back to life and muttering curses under the bruising. My slippers, in the corner, awaiting their punishment...

So, yeah. I fell.

Has anyone seen my cold medicine?

Things I Don't Understand 1.0

Things I don't understand:

• Why Hunter thinks that asking me if he can play Wii 103 times is going to make me say yes. It won't. Okay, it does sometimes.
• Why Landon always mixes up names by switching the first two letters. Example: Liza and Ben would be Biza and Len. Nanny and Pappy would be Panny and Nappy. Peanut Butter and Jelly would be Jeanut Putter and Belly. I don't understand but I like it.
• Brussel sprouts. Are they little cabbages? It's a mystery and I love them. Delish.
• Why anyone would want to read my blog- it's sheer nonsense. Thank you for reading though. High five!
• How do they get crescent rolls in a can? Someone tell me please.
• Why I was not sore at all when I played baseball outside a few months ago, but yet, couldn't move for 2 days when I played baseball on the Wii a few weeks ago. I cannot possibly be more active playing fake baseball.
• Spontaneous Combustion.
• Why anyone would insist we haven't been to the moon. Yes, the government had a little extra time and money back in 1969 and decided to fool us all.
• Smart cars. Is it really smart to make a car so compact that you could probably be killed by hitting a large bird?
• When someone tells me that some sort of large, scary insect/spider/snake is "nice".... No Landon. I do NOT want to hold that little snake. I don't care if it doesn't bite. And no, I do not want to touch that Daddy Long Legs... STOP TELLING ME IT'S NICE! I don't care if it sing's me a verse of Singing in the Rain, complete with top hat, umbrella, and shoes- I'm not holding it.
• How a camera capture's a picture. And how TV's show picture.

To be continued...

My New Year's Resolution for 2011

New Years Eve. Quite possibly the most over-rated holiday ever. I'm sorry, but there is very little that excites me enough to get me to stay up until midnight. ha! And the whole resolution thing? I typically don't give it a passing thought. If you want to lose weight, lose weight. If you want to quit smoking, quit smoking. You don't have to wait to January 1st to make a change in your life! COME ON PEOPLE! Can I get an Amen?

This year I decided to make a list though. I think you'll find it to be a bit nontraditional than what you'd usually see on a New Years Resolution List... but, let's be honest- would you expect a list from me to be normal in any sense? No, I doubt it. Let's begin.

Lauren's New Year's Resolutions for 2011!!!

1. Spend more money on shoes. I own 5 pairs of flip-flops, 1 pair of boots, 1 pair of sneakers, and maybe 3 pairs of dress shoes. That is not enough.
2. Bring 80's entertainment back into my life. I intend on watching 80's movies, television, and cartoons, listening to 80's music, wearing 80's clothes, and saying 80's phrases- pretty much all the time in 2011. I could not be more serious about this one. Totally far out!!
3. Exercise less, but be more active. Does that make sense? I have no intention of jogging more, or upping the intensity of my pilates workout. But perhaps I'll pick up rock-climbing, or dodge ball, or ice-hockey?
4. Start deleting people from my facebook page. I use facebook for sheer entertainment purposes and frankly, I'm getting a little tired of some people- all those in favor of blocking every single whiner, complainer, political radical, and creeper- say 'I'!
5. Eat more cheese. It's already the main staple of my diet- but I think there's always room for improvement.
6. Eat more period.
7. Keep on creating. This past year I've taken my rare free moments to create- I started my blog, been working on a book, writing a screenplay, and I intend to keep going as I get time! YES!
8. Invent new words. Yakinshmagle- noun. An annoying person who talks too much. That Lauren, she never shuts up! What a yakinshmagle!!!
9. Ride the Ferris Wheel with Hunter at least 1 time this year. The kid loves it and by george... it made me sick last year. There are these few moments when my age let's me know who's boss and I keep trying to argue it out of existence.

Lauren- "Hunter, Dylan- let's see how many rides we can go on before lunch!"
Lauren's age- "Don't do that. You'll get sick"
Lauren- "Shut up age. You don't own me!"
Lauren's age- "Yes I do. You're almost 30. If you ride too many rides you'll get nauseous and be miserable for the rest of the day."
Lauren- "Come on, I'm not "old". I used to go to parks and ride from open to close and never once get sick. I'll do what I want! You're not the boss of me!!"
Lauren's age- "Fine, suit yourself"
Literally 3 rides later, including the Ferris Wheel....
Lauren- "Ugh, Landon, I feel so sick. I'm gonna go sit down for a while..."

So yeah, I'm riding it again. We'll see who wins in the end.
10. Buying a pistol. Yes, I buying my own gun and maybe Landon and I will start going on dates to the shooting range. SIGH, we are sooo romantic <3!
11. Rewatching every episode of Lost.
12. Sending out real mail. I love getting a random letter in the mail and it NEVER happens anymore. I guess there is no point given email, facebook, blogging, etc, etc... But I think I want to start mailing again. We'll see. I'm not holding my breath on this one.
13. And finally... inventing a time machine. Don't laugh. It's not impossible.

I think that about covers things that I simply must resolve in 2011. I'm sure I missed a thing or two but shoot, I just don't know where I'd fine time to do anything else. It looks like I'll be pretty busy this upcoming year! In all seriousness I am really excited for this new year. I think it will be really awesome, and fun, and full of good things. I am SO looking forward to seeing all that God has for me, Landon, Hunter, and Dylan!

And so here is to you my fellow dudes and dudettes- Wishing you all a totally outrageous, totally far out, radical, jammin' 2011! May it be full of old episodes of Cheers, The Cosby Show, Golden Girls, ALF, Perfect Strangers, Full House, Bosom Buddies, and Family Ties. May it be full of classic movies like Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, Breakfast Club, Mannequin, Footloose, Goonies, Back to the Future, Ferris Buellers Day off, and Overboard. And when you hear a song by the Bangles, Culture Club, A-Ha, Wham!, REO Speedwagon, Journey, Styx or Whitesnake- you CRANK.IT.UP!

Have a totally gnarly New Year! Like, for sure!

Lauren