Robots

Robots are pretty awesome. I feel like perhaps this might be one of several posts about them over the years. I guess you'll have to wait and see... but today I wanted to hop on the computer and share a brief tale of what just happened but 1 hour ago.

Dylan was eating breakfast in the kitchen. Hunter wasn't hungry quite yet so he was watching cartoons. I walked into the living room to see if Hunter was ready for breakfast. I was being my usual goofy self and decided to be a "robot" to make Hunter laugh. I walk in all robotic and talking in that go-to monotone robot voice.

"Hunter. I. am. a. robot. I. am. a. robot."

Hunter looks at me. Looks back at the tv. Looks back at me. Then back to the tv. I'm sorry, was I just being a robot and got completed ignored???? So I try again. This time, with more gusto!!!

(Doing a really cool robot dance move) "HUNTER. I. AM. A. ROBOT... A. TICKLE. ROBOT... AND. I. HAVE. COME. TO. TICKLE. YOU."

Then I proceeded to tickle him. I waited for a roar of belly laughter and his usual response of jumping right into whatever character I've started. But no! Nothing!! He just stared at me and was doing his best to squirm away from my tickling. Then he started to CRY....

"Mom, will you just stop it! I hate it when you're a robot. You're a person. A PERSON!!!!"





....................................................................................





........................................................................





..................................................




Wow, what just happened here? That is not how I envisioned this going...



This brings up a few questions:

1. How many times do I pretend to be a robot?? Clearly if I made my child CRY then it has to be a ridiculously large amount. But I honestly don't bring out the robot too often.... 3, maybe 4 times a day. No, I'm kidding...

2. And why would it upset him so much? Is it because I am just that convincing? Does it really appear to him as though I've morphed into a robot that he feels the need to remind me that I'm a person? (A PERSON!). .

3. A tickle robot! Come on kid! Who doesn't like a tickle robot?!

Well, I'm happy to say this story has a happy ending. I gave Hunter a hug. Wiped away those 2.5 tears he managed to squeeze out of his little cute eyeballs during the ordeal. (I'm convinced it was fake crying...) And I went a made a peace offering: 2 Wildberry Toaster Strudels, icing strategically placed on top, both cut in half. Just the way he likes it.

"Here you go Hunter. 2 toaster strudels for you, just the way you like them. I'm sorry I made you upset. Love you bud. You little robot you."

"Thanks mama. That's okay. I love you too...... Wait, what did you call me????"


Haha, sometimes I crack myself up...

Shadow People.

My last post was in April. It's now creeping up into July. Clearly my dream of having a daily/weekly blog should have just stayed a dream. My life actually got BUSY. I didn't realize that once one of my kids was in school and we started getting involved there and with sports that free time is non-existent. It's been awesome though... I'm so glad school is out for Hunter. I'm so glad school is starting for Dyl. We've been having a WONDERFUL summer!!

And so, drum roll please... a blog about....

Shadow people.

I hate them.

I always have.

I always will.

Do you all know what shadow people are??? It's those big black cutout's people put in their yard of various people/animals. I call them shadow people.

I googled 'shadow people' and got a mysterious array of ghostly websites. Wrong google, dead wrong. So here is a website that sells a whole mess of them- http://www.thewinfieldcollection.com/print_catalog/People. I noticed that they have one of Elvis. I think I may have to rethink this post now. I do love me some Elvis....

Seriously, what is the point of them?? (Other than the awesome Elvis one.) I.do.not.get.it. Is there a certain message you want to relay to people by displaying them? Or do you really like the look of them?



We've decided to get a fake dog for the yard. Isn't he cute? Sit, Come on boy, siiiittt. I SAID SIT!!! Good dog.







Why, hello creepy little children. Yes, you do look inviting, don't you? Did that little one just say something??? ((shudders))



Nothing says WELCOME! like a massive 6 foot black bear in your front yard.

What do I know though? Maybe these add some whimsy that I am unaware of. I guess these could be cute... ugh, who am I kidding. I still hate them. I'm trying to find something positive about them since I know there is a huge Elvis cutout I can purchase. Uhhh huh.

I moved to this area 7 years ago and along the one road here there is a certain shadow man that the owners have strategically placed RIGHT BESIDE THE ROAD. Now, this is a back road, in the country, it has some curves, etc. People hit deer on this road allll the time. I've had to stop so an actual bear could cross. So why on earth would they stick this man right along it is beyond me...

ANYWAY, so over these past 7 years that shadow man has scared me almost every.single.time. I've been on that road. ESPECIALLY at night. Without fail, I forget it's there and either- a.) slam on the brakes thinking about about to hit someone/something or b.) swerve thinking about to hit someone/something. I AM GOING TO CAUSE AN ACCIDENT!! And to top it off, the dude is holding an American flag. I can't totally hate him if he's got our Country's flag!!?? For the love...

Yeah, this is definitely accurate. Look at my face. See how scared I am??? Ugh....

If anyone has one of these in your yard- I'd love to know why. Unravel the mystery for me, won't you?? ;)

Until next time...

Fireflies and Freezepops,

Lauren

A Beach Story

Well, I woke up this morning to dark skies and rain. Where is my wedding dress?? Hunter! Go get the matches!

I thought I'd share a random beach story with you all today. All true of course, drama and all.

I absolutely love the beach. I love the ocean. I love being in the water. It's pure bliss. What don't I love?? The creepy water creatures the roam beneath. It's not that I don't like sea life- It's beautiful and intriguing... I just prefer to encounter it at aquariums or in fishtanks or on Animal Planet. This is my only stress while I'm on vacation. My love for being in the ocean trumps my fear- so I just try not to touch the bottom of the ocean floor and that seems to help.

My Dad says that every year I get "bit" several times by a sharp seashell. No Dad!!! It was a crab!! I swear!!

SO, back to my story. Last summer on vacation, Landon had taken the kids inside for a nap. Dad and I stayed out on the beach. He was reading one of his many sports books and I decided I'd take a swim... alone. The water was soo warm and there were a lot of other people out in the ocean so why not? I jumped the smaller waves and got out past the breaking point of the waves and started bobbing around. The sun was beating down, seagulls were soaring around, the sound of children laughing while building sandcastles, the ocean water was just cool enough to feel amazing, it was the perfect day. As I laid my head back and floated over the waves I thought- This is so relaxing. It's so peaceful. I am so glad we are on vacation. It's not even nerve racking being out here all by myself......

Then it got really quiet all of a sudden.

I lifted my head up and looked around. Some of the people had swam in. But in the meantime I had floated out a little farther than I had been. Not much mind you... just 10 feet or so. That's okay, I thought. No big deal- I'll paddle back in in a few minutes. I should just put my feet down to make sure I can still touch the bottom. So I go to look down into the water to get my bearings and what do I see???

Thousands of fish had surrounded me.

I had floated into a very large school of fish. I was literally bobbing in the middle of their "school". So what did I do? COMPLETELY PANIC. But I didn't panic over the fish. I paniked because I just knew, KNEW, that there were several sharks looking for lunch and they were headed in to eat these fish right now. So naturally, I screamed bloody terror. And then I swam faster than Michael Phelps in the 200m freestyle. Seriously, you put me in dark waters with some seaweed and sharks and I am the next US Swimmer Olympiad.

So I run to report to my Dad all that has just happened to me- to which he gives me a one-eyebrowed "Mmmmhmmm." It happened Dad! I swear!!! But I guess I can't blame him for being skeptical. Several years ago we were all swimming in the ocean and a dolphin swam about 6 feet from us and I freaked out and yelled- SHARK!!! and cleared the ENTIRE beach... haha. Good times. Goooood times.

The Winter Crazies

Well, I've certainly been slacking off. It has been such a long winter. The boys were literally sick for 5 months straight and I was sick half the time as well. I was completely exhausted and had little to no creative mental capacity to keep up with my blog.

Dear Blog, I've missed you. I'm sorry I've ignored you for so long. I gave you a fresh new backround though. Now, let's get back to entertaining the whole 13.5 people who read this. Love, Me.

What is up with the weather here in Pa?? SERIOUSLY... I've had it. The next person to mention global warming within earshot of me better have good health insurance- you're in for a tail whooping. We get one really nice warm day followed by sleet and freezing temperatures. I need the sunshine! I need the warmth!! I feel like a mental patient being cooped up in the house all the time. I start getting these crazy non-sense ideas...

((What to do today, what.to.do??? I'm so bored and if I have to sit here and clean again all day today I'll go mad. I need to get out of this house- but wait, it's 33 degrees and dumping icy rain all over the place. And it's so dark outside- I should just take a nap with the kids. Yes, a nap.... and then I'll wake up and be even MORE tired than when I started. And I'll have even less motivation to do anything productive. [Enter the crazy...]

I should color my hair myself- perhaps purple highlights...I know I have a few packs of koolaid somewhere. Maybe I'll give Dylan a mohawk while I'm at it...

Maybe I'll put on my wedding dress and make Hunter carry the train while I greet all my faux party guests...**ding ding ding, I'd like to make a toast**

I should paint a mural on the living room wall- something classy, like an Elvis memorial...

Where is my 80's cd mix?? I've got my legwarmers and head band and I want to make a music video...

We should turn the house into an amusement park of somesort! Okay, Hunt- you get the sled from the basement- set it at the top of the stairs. I'll put a huge bucket of water at the bottom. That'll be the log flume ride... Yes, you and Dylan can ride but you have to make sure you stay seated and keep your arms and legs inside the sled at all times. We must insure safety you know...

What's that Hunter? You want to roast marshmallows in the living room? Sure! We'll take these Lincoln Logs and place them just like so... now, you go and get the matches while I take the batteries out of the smoke alarms. They don't teach you this sort of genius in Boy Scouts, I'll tell you that much...))

SEE WHAT I MEAN? If you know me even a little bit you know that I am really not kidding about any of those aforementioned ideas. This is what lack of fresh air does to people. Thank God for webcams...

Does anyone else feel like this?!?!

Well, I think we're finally coming to the end of this cold weather... and my winter mental illness. I hope so anyway- I'm sort of bored with the webcam. Summer weather should be here soon and I can't wait to get outside and "get the stink blown off me" as my mother always says. But until then, I'll try get some funny posts out to you in the meantime!

Dandelions and Daisys...

Lauren

I am a slacker.

Yes, that's about it. I'll be back to writing soon!

Secret Mom-Power #26

As a mother you begin to develop all sorts of random skills- the ability to make tears stop with a hug and a kiss, the ability to care for yourself and your entire family on 2 hours of sleep, the ability to clean up vast amounts of poop and throw-up without dry-heaving, and the ability to see and hear everything your kids are up to- whether they want you to or not. Wow, what new thing will I do in the future?? I hope it's flying, please let it be flying.

So one of the cooler "mom-powers" I'm beginning to master is speaking to my children through nothing but facial expressions. For all you new mom's with newborns- you will use this soon- so pay attention. Dads- feel free to use this as well. Take notes, LEARN...

I refuse to yell at my children in public. Kids have no business being humilated in front of everyone. The only time I yell is if there is an emergency or if my kids can't hear me. (FOCUS HUNTER!!). Other than that- I just don't do it- or at least, I try my best not to. I try to pull them aside and "whisper yell" and tell them we will deal with this at home. I really can't complain- I rarely have to yell at either of my children- Hunter and Dylan are both very well behaved and listen 92% of the time. That other 8% of the time I try to utilize what I like to call "Expressive Facial Communication"

Here, let me show you...
Let me start with the ones I use when I'm not yelling-

Maybe one day we're at the park, and Dylan goes down the slide all by himself!

YAY!!

Or maybe we're at church and I've just noticed Hunter has shared with one of the other children..

AWW!

 Or maybe the boys have just given each other a big hug after playing so nicely together...

*Tear*

 One of the kids is about to fall...

Noo!!

 and then, in fact, does fall, and scraps his knee...

Ouch!!

 Of course, during those times it's usually appropriate to talk to, comfort, and praise the kiddo's. And nothing wrong with that! But what about that 8% of the time when it's not?

Like the time that Hunter asks the gas station attendant if she was a man or a woman? (It was a woman.)

No speaking!

Or when Hunter just told me that I have an attitude problem... in front of 12 people.

What did you just say?

I've just stayed up half the night taking care of them, ran around all day cleaning, cooking, laundry, playing, only to sit down to a nice dinner with some friends that I've worked on for over an hour, and have two little boys sit there crying, like I'm feeding them poison (it's chicken and potatos) when they decide to "accidently" dump their plates on the floor...

DO.NOT.THROW.THAT.PLATE.

 Or when we're in the Walmart parking lot and Hunter decides he's going to pull his pants down and pee all over the place after I told him he needs to hold it till we get home...

Seriously?

 Or when we're at a family gathering, and Dylan's decided to eat the potpourri...

No, no!!

Or when I'm at Hunter's school, and instead of getting in line with the rest of the kids, he decides to reenact his version of Mario saving the Princess from Bowser...

I give up.

I love my kids.

*Disclaimer* Expressive Facial Communication is only effective 34% of the time, given all the factors that these type of situations need to account for: environment, number of children present, number of adults present, number of animals present, amount of sugar intake of the child on the day of event, noise level, child's ability to pay attention, temperature, whether or not there is a media outlet present (ie- tv, video game, etc), and of course, your ability to use expressive facial communication techniques.



I just fell.

If you only knew the week I've had- to be as brief as possible- it was exhausting. Dylan had week long testing, Hunter's had a cold and has been fighting acid reflux, I have been running on empty and then caught Hunter's cold- which I'm nursing as I type.

So let's just pause and do some brief calculating: no sleep + sick kids + messy house + no sleep + emotionally charged drama + lot's of cold medicine = I just fell in the tub........... get ready to read the stupidest post ever.

Join me as I paint you a picture...

I was warming up the water for my little bath bugs and I attempted to scoot Dylan to the back of the tub (no one wants a baby to touch hot water {I recommend watching Rainman to learn more on this}). As I yelled WEEEE propelling him towards the back end of the tub (Hunter quickly followed suit), my little slippers decided they could no longer support my weight- either that or the cold medicine made me lightheaded. (Either way- I'm blaming the slippers.) So, the legs go and my mind tried to call my elbows: *Ring Ring, Hello Elbows, We are in a full blown state of emergency! Tell the funny bone to get a grip and prepare for a crash landing! Stat!* The elbows complied and tried to help catch me but unfortunately my Elvis robe had other plans. Darn you, you soft black, gold and leopard print robe of warm luxurious enjoyment! If only you had rubber no slip grip pads built into the back of the sleeves... I guess everyone has a weakness. But I digress... So the legs went, the elbows slipped right off the edge of the tub, and off I went, headfirst into the tub. Luckily my stomach gripped the tub edge and Lord knows the 5 lbs of Christmas eats help cushion the blow. Unfortunately, I am so long and lanky that the knees had no hope and hit the floor as I fell. The mind tried to call and console, but to no avail.... *Ring Ring, Hello Knees? KNEES! Speak to me knees!! Are you okay? ((Knees groan)) KNEES! Hang in there knees!! We need you both to be strong, you'll make it through this. Why God??? WHY????* So I sat there laughing and crying all at once. The kids didn't know whether I was joining the bathtime fun, or if I had lost my mind and really just fallen in the tub. Hunter was so confused...

Hunter: "Mother, are you laughing or crying?"
Me: "I don't know!"
Hunter: "Will you be taking a bath with us tonight?"
Me: "I don't know. I think I need help."
Hunter: "Yes, I agree."

So I picked myself up. I was a sight for sore eyes... I looked like a drowned Pomeranian. My hair half wet, matted to my forehead and glasses. My glasses soaked so badly I couldn't even see out of them. My Elvis robe, now 20 lbs heavier with water, leaving the tub half-empty. My elbows, glad to see the Elvis robe gone after causing them sheer embarrassment. My knees throbbing, slowly coming back to life and muttering curses under the bruising. My slippers, in the corner, awaiting their punishment...

So, yeah. I fell.

Has anyone seen my cold medicine?