Saturday, January 15, 2011

Secret Mom-Power #26

As a mother you begin to develop all sorts of random skills- the ability to make tears stop with a hug and a kiss, the ability to care for yourself and your entire family on 2 hours of sleep, the ability to clean up vast amounts of poop and throw-up without dry-heaving, and the ability to see and hear everything your kids are up to- whether they want you to or not. Wow, what new thing will I do in the future?? I hope it's flying, please let it be flying.

So one of the cooler "mom-powers" I'm beginning to master is speaking to my children through nothing but facial expressions. For all you new mom's with newborns- you will use this soon- so pay attention. Dads- feel free to use this as well. Take notes, LEARN...

I refuse to yell at my children in public. Kids have no business being humilated in front of everyone. The only time I yell is if there is an emergency or if my kids can't hear me. (FOCUS HUNTER!!). Other than that- I just don't do it- or at least, I try my best not to. I try to pull them aside and "whisper yell" and tell them we will deal with this at home. I really can't complain- I rarely have to yell at either of my children- Hunter and Dylan are both very well behaved and listen 92% of the time. That other 8% of the time I try to utilize what I like to call "Expressive Facial Communication"

Here, let me show you...
Let me start with the ones I use when I'm not yelling-

Maybe one day we're at the park, and Dylan goes down the slide all by himself!
YAY!!
Or maybe we're at church and I've just noticed Hunter has shared with one of the other children..
AWW!
 Or maybe the boys have just given each other a big hug after playing so nicely together...
*Tear*
 One of the kids is about to fall...
Noo!!
 and then, in fact, does fall, and scraps his knee...
Ouch!!
 Of course, during those times it's usually appropriate to talk to, comfort, and praise the kiddo's. And nothing wrong with that! But what about that 8% of the time when it's not?

Like the time that Hunter asks the gas station attendant if she was a man or a woman? (It was a woman.)
No speaking!
Or when Hunter just told me that I have an attitude problem... in front of 12 people.
What did you just say?
I've just stayed up half the night taking care of them, ran around all day cleaning, cooking, laundry, playing, only to sit down to a nice dinner with some friends that I've worked on for over an hour, and have two little boys sit there crying, like I'm feeding them poison (it's chicken and potatos) when they decide to "accidently" dump their plates on the floor...
DO.NOT.THROW.THAT.PLATE.
 Or when we're in the Walmart parking lot and Hunter decides he's going to pull his pants down and pee all over the place after I told him he needs to hold it till we get home...
Seriously?
 Or when we're at a family gathering, and Dylan's decided to eat the potpourri...
No, no!!
Or when I'm at Hunter's school, and instead of getting in line with the rest of the kids, he decides to reenact his version of Mario saving the Princess from Bowser...
I give up.
I love my kids.

*Disclaimer* Expressive Facial Communication is only effective 34% of the time, given all the factors that these type of situations need to account for: environment, number of children present, number of adults present, number of animals present, amount of sugar intake of the child on the day of event, noise level, child's ability to pay attention, temperature, whether or not there is a media outlet present (ie- tv, video game, etc), and of course, your ability to use expressive facial communication techniques.


Sunday, January 9, 2011

I just fell.

If you only knew the week I've had- to be as brief as possible- it was exhausting. Dylan had week long testing, Hunter's had a cold and has been fighting acid reflux, I have been running on empty and then caught Hunter's cold- which I'm nursing as I type.

So let's just pause and do some brief calculating: no sleep + sick kids + messy house + no sleep + emotionally charged drama + lot's of cold medicine = I just fell in the tub........... get ready to read the stupidest post ever.

Join me as I paint you a picture...

I was warming up the water for my little bath bugs and I attempted to scoot Dylan to the back of the tub (no one wants a baby to touch hot water {I recommend watching Rainman to learn more on this}). As I yelled WEEEE propelling him towards the back end of the tub (Hunter quickly followed suit), my little slippers decided they could no longer support my weight- either that or the cold medicine made me lightheaded. (Either way- I'm blaming the slippers.) So, the legs go and my mind tried to call my elbows: *Ring Ring, Hello Elbows, We are in a full blown state of emergency! Tell the funny bone to get a grip and prepare for a crash landing! Stat!* The elbows complied and tried to help catch me but unfortunately my Elvis robe had other plans. Darn you, you soft black, gold and leopard print robe of warm luxurious enjoyment! If only you had rubber no slip grip pads built into the back of the sleeves... I guess everyone has a weakness. But I digress... So the legs went, the elbows slipped right off the edge of the tub, and off I went, headfirst into the tub. Luckily my stomach gripped the tub edge and Lord knows the 5 lbs of Christmas eats help cushion the blow. Unfortunately, I am so long and lanky that the knees had no hope and hit the floor as I fell. The mind tried to call and console, but to no avail.... *Ring Ring, Hello Knees? KNEES! Speak to me knees!! Are you okay? ((Knees groan)) KNEES! Hang in there knees!! We need you both to be strong, you'll make it through this. Why God??? WHY????* So I sat there laughing and crying all at once. The kids didn't know whether I was joining the bathtime fun, or if I had lost my mind and really just fallen in the tub. Hunter was so confused...

Hunter: "Mother, are you laughing or crying?"
Me: "I don't know!"
Hunter: "Will you be taking a bath with us tonight?"
Me: "I don't know. I think I need help."
Hunter: "Yes, I agree."

So I picked myself up. I was a sight for sore eyes... I looked like a drowned Pomeranian. My hair half wet, matted to my forehead and glasses. My glasses soaked so badly I couldn't even see out of them. My Elvis robe, now 20 lbs heavier with water, leaving the tub half-empty. My elbows, glad to see the Elvis robe gone after causing them sheer embarrassment. My knees throbbing, slowly coming back to life and muttering curses under the bruising. My slippers, in the corner, awaiting their punishment...

So, yeah. I fell.

Has anyone seen my cold medicine?

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Things I Don't Understand 1.0

Things I don't understand:
  • Why Hunter thinks that asking me if he can play Wii 103 times is going to make me say yes. It won't. Okay, it does sometimes.
  • Why Landon always mixes up names by switching the first two letters. Example: Liza and Ben would be Biza and Len. Nanny and Pappy would be Panny and Nappy. Peanut Butter and Jelly would be Jeanut Putter and Belly. I don't understand but I like it.
  • Brussel sprouts. Are they little cabbages? It's a mystery and I love them. Delish.
  • Why anyone would want to read my blog- it's sheer nonsense. Thank you for reading though. High five!
  • How do they get crescent rolls in a can? Someone tell me please.
  • Why I was not sore at all when I played baseball outside a few months ago, but yet, couldn't move for 2 days when I played baseball on the Wii a few weeks ago. I cannot possibly be more active playing fake baseball.
  • Spontaneous Combustion.
  • Why anyone would insist we haven't been to the moon. Yes, the government had a little extra time and money back in 1969 and decided to fool us all.
  • Smart cars. Is it really smart to make a car so compact that you could probably be killed by hitting a large bird?
  • When someone tells me that some sort of large, scary insect/spider/snake is "nice".... No Landon. I do NOT want to hold that little snake. I don't care if it doesn't bite. And no, I do not want to touch that Daddy Long Legs... STOP TELLING ME IT'S NICE! I don't care if it sing's me a verse of Singing in the Rain, complete with top hat, umbrella, and shoes- I'm not holding it.
  • How a camera capture's a picture. And how TV's show picture.
To be continued...
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